Relationship suicide...

Hie my name is October Madness and I recently attempted to commit “relationship suicide”. This far from well thought plan was the birth child of the incestuous relationship between my inherent fear of commitment and my ideology that all men are unable to be faithful.

Subconsciously my mind went to work and concluded that this thing with The Mr was fast reaching irreversible extents. I was literally feeling like a claustrophobic stuck in an elevator, gasping for breath. Commitment, no I am already in a committed relationship with myself...  I needed to flee from this impending disaster. Couple this claustrophobia with my belief that all men are unfaithful then you have a real disaster… Irreversible extents with a species incapable of fidelity, train smash…

So I set out to prove that The Mr was cheating. Every single mistake he made I turned into proof of his illicit behaviour. And where he made no mistake I would create one. Yes I would, I even went all 007 on him ( I won’t get into the details of the 007 adventures).

My plan was supposed to prove beyond doubt that The Mr was cheating thereby allowing me to walk away with a clean break. My futile attempts yielded zilch. In all my fishing, 007, passive aggressive and false accusing behaviour I failed to find the necessary evidence. Instead of evidence I found The Mr waiting at the other end asking what he needed to do to make me feel more comfortable and secure!!!!! WHAT??? We are in a cold war and there you are extending an olive branch and a rose. 

WHAT!!!??? My frontal lobe was in a state of grave confusion. I hadn’t prepared myself for this. What I had prepared was a play list of all the sad and bitter love songs I was going to listen to after the suicide.

Now I am finding myself in a position where my only option is to kill the bastard, not The Mr but the child that “my inherent fear of commitment and my ideology that all men are unfaithful” bore.Haven’t quite figured out how I am going to accomplish this but I do know its going to be hard. I have carried this child with me for a very long time in my life.

What started off as a relationship suicide is going to end as a murder of the little demons that lead to the suicide attempt.

But I am sure there are others out there who have felt the way I felt, wonder who they saved themselves...