Letter to my ex...
Yesterday, after close to 10 years I caught a glimpse of you in
a public place. I am pretty certain (and glad) that you didn’t see me.
I have always told people that you are that one ex that the
Man Upstairs decided that I would never cross paths with after we broke up.
Anyway, seeing you and your family, wife and two kids from
what I could make out, really took me back.
You see, you were the first man to break my heart and quite
arguably the only man to break my heart because I have not been able to give it
away to that extent again. By ‘to that extent’, I mean that naïve, hold nothing
back sort of love, that all in nonsense, that see a long term future kind of love.
You see, when it happened,
I never expected it, I was resting in the bliss of our love and it never, not
once, occurred to me that you would cheat on me. Call me over trusting or whatever
but that is my truth. You caught me off guard and it really shook me.
As if that was not enough, you read your script from the
book of Bill Clinton and attempted to insult my intelligence. When that didn’t work
you resorted to an arrogant ‘lets get over it and move on’ stance. Expecting me
bounce back and get back to my usual self. Honestly, that was too much to ask
for. I had made the questionable (and embarrassing) decisions to stay but I needed
my time to be angry and express that anger. And sadly for both of us, you didn’t
have the patience to deal with the repercussions of your actions. No, instead
you added insult to injury and declared that YOU couldn’t take it
anymore! Double whammy for me
Because your actions caught me off guard, my brain (with no
approval from my heart) put in place mechanisms to never be in that position
again. A position of sheer vulnerability. Now I enter expecting an end. I cant even rule out that I may be self sabotaging; digging and accusing until I either find the 'reason' for the end or frustrate the accused.
That’s what you did!
Of course, the responsibility of healing is my own, I know
that. But you are the reason there is a need for healing in the first place, so
you are not exonerated.
Anyway, I saw you from a distance yesterday for the first
time in close to 10 years and it took me back.
I hope you are well though…
What a touching read, lm sure your ex is well, and hopes you are too. Wow, 10 years hey? He never got the chance to tell you he was sorry for hurting you the way he did. Im sure he has grown and become a better man, and he was just not ready to be the man you deserved at the time, and hid behind all sorts of excuses. If he could see you he would say, l am truely sorry, and if l could turn back time just once, l would go back and do things differently, and if l knew then what l know now, and l was then what l am now, l would not hurt you the way l did. But all l have now are just my words.
ReplyDeleteIm sure he would say that... But thats just me.
Closure...
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