Free relationship advise from a wise old man

I found myself in the company of a 60 something year old marriage counsellor the other day. After I offered him a drink which he accepted (because it was terribly hot) he decided to thank me by imparting some wise words of wisdom. I myself don’t know whether much of what he said works or not but it made sense. So ill share (even though you didn’t contribute to the purchase of the drink I am that nice).

First he spoke about how a relationship is between two people in their birthday suits. He was quick to point out that he was not making an reference to coitus but he what he meant was that true relationships are between two hearts, two minds and two souls. True relationships exist before the clothes, academic qualifications, cars, families or anything else. Initially it should be two people in their birthday suits. Being too mindful of material things in a relationship can have adverse effects, to avoid this the relationship should have a strong “birthday suit” foundation.

Then he moved on to talk about how people should avoid falling in love or becoming infatuated before the get to know the other party well. According to him, if you allow yourself to fall in love with a person before you know them well you may find yourself excusing traits that you ordinarily wouldn’t stand for, but because you are punch drunk with love you accept these traits and find yourself fed up of in a few months or having endless fights. I should have asked him how he thought one could delay the process of falling in love.

Next item on the list was how to argue in relationships. “don’t get me wrong, I am a marriage counsellor with a wonderful marriage but it’s not without arguments and fights, but it’s HOW we fight that sees our relationship winning at the end of the argument”. He said that even when he makes a selfish decision, his wife will never call him selfish; instead she will refer to the decision itself as selfish. There is no character assassination but reference is made to that particular decision. “You are reckless”, yields a different response from “that was a reckless driving”. His thoughts not mine.

Then he went on to attack my generation and how we don’t respect the importance of pre-marital counselling. He said we want to live life like we are in America but in America people pay marriage counsellor, physiatrists and psychologists to help them with their problems, which we don’t do. On the other side of the coin our culture dictates that we consult our aunts and uncles but which we don’t. And so we remain suspended between cultures. “More than half of the marital problems that I encounter in my line of work could have been avoided by pre-marital counselling. You young children choose to consult with one another but you all don’t know anything, case of the blind leading the blind”. 

He then felt the need to practically illustrate instances where counselling can be helpful. “Do you know that things as simple as identifying a leader child can save a marriage? A leader child could be the first born, an oldest son or an oldest daughter. In a marriage if the woman is a leader child the husband should embrace this unique characteristic and understand that their wife is not being disrespectful or failing to submit. She is being who she is and he should learn to accept this characteristic and use it for the good of the family. In the same light one party can be what he called the “be done for” child who could be an only something or a last born. If the husband is the “be done for” child their significant other must be prepared to do more in the relationship, the “be done for” child can even be subconsciously selfish or extremely submissive and one has to find ways of dealing with this than being hell bent on CHANGING them. But you never know these things because you do not ask”.

That’s some of what I got

Pity I didn’t ask for his name or number….