2am musings...

It’s an awkward feeling but I will describe it as best as words will allow me.

It’s a feeling that I have to be somewhere doing something,

a feeling that I have a great task to perform and I have all that it takes to perform it and perform it well. But sad to say I don’t know what the task is.

It’s a feeling that I have destiny to fulfil but at the moment the course I am on does not lead to that destiny.

It’s a feeling so raw and so real that there is no way it’s not true.

Try and imagine being invited to your life, but sadly the invitation does not include the venue or the time. You have no idea when and where you are supposed to be but you know that it is  YOUR LIFE and you have to be there.

It usually wakes me up in the middle of the night when the world is quiet that’s the time it chooses to arouse me from slumber and stir me into a whirlwind of thought.

Do I get up and leave all that is familiar in pursuit of that which I am oblivious to? Standing solely on the blind faith that surely a feeling so strong must be able to guide me to my destiny.

Suddenly my Christianity joins the conversation and reminds me of Joseph who endured a pit and prison cell before he lived a life he had dreamt of in his youth. It reminds me of Jacob who had to work for Laban for fourteen years before he could obtain that which his heart desired.

My memory will open up the chapter in Joshua Nkomo’s autobiography and remind me of his humble story, remind of our President, a former teacher. My memory will take me back to Barack Obama’s Dreams from my father and call to mind that the first black president of the Unites States of America was once a young man battling to find relevance in this world.

But how does one ever know when to be patient with the world, waiting for the world to give that which it wants in its own time AND when to be aggressive and take that which you want by hook or by crook. Did the same Jacob not wrestle the angel until he blessed him? Where are the signs that read push, relax, insist, desist, wait, jump… where are the signs?

My teeth are clenched and my breath is out of rhythm. Suddenly I can’t stand the darkness and so I open my eyes only to reveal more darkness (it is only 2am after all). I could think of a number of people I can call who would totally understand what I am taking about, they are familiar with the feeling but its 2am no one deserves to be woken up at such a terrible hour. I reach for my laptop instead and start to type this post….